No Daytrana….5 days now

Ouch!  I’ve been moving in circles for the past 3 days.  The first day after running out of patches was actually kind of nice.  Everything seemed to move a little slower, more fluid…but now – I’ve started 15 things and can’t seem to get the dishes done.  My idiot pdoc office says they mailed it almost a week ago…not here yet.  If it wasn’t 30 miles to the pdoc office, I would have already gone for it – but with gas at 3.50 a gallon and SSDI not approved yet…what is a woman to do but walk in circles within her 4 walls.

 

More Humor to Lighten Me (and you) the hell up!!!!

(again shamelessly stolen from the web)

Bipolar Disorder Jokes

7

Posted by wildorchid
7/22/10 2:59pm

Recently on a Facebook forum, there was a page devoted solely to Bipolar Jokes. While some are not yet able to laugh about their illness, I find that laughing at some of the strange quirks of Bipolar Disorder is actually a good coping mechanism. Here are some great jokes related to Bipolar Disorder.  Check HEREfor more jokes. Do you know any other good jokes about Bipolar Disorder?

How many Bipolar People does it take to change a light-bulb?

It depends on what mood they are in.

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Just because everyone’s out to get me doesn’t mean I’m not paranoid.

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Instead of a sign that says “Do Not Disturb” I need one that says “Already Disturbed Proceed With Caution.”

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Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

• If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
• If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. ?…
• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. ??If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.
• If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.
• And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

***** please note that the last one should NOT be taken seriously- if you feel like you are not well or suicidal, please call a local Mental Health Hotline.********

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You Know You’re Bipolar If………

10. You think Robin Williams should Perk Up.
9. You just bought the Kenny G and Berry Manilow box set just because.
8. You think going to bed on Monday and getting up on Friday is a good rest.
7. What do you mean you’re tired—I had only 3 orgasms!
6. You can not remember the number 7.
5 You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen
mood stabilizers.
4 Your cat’s name is Kay and your dog’s name is Jamison.
3 You bring your own research to the doctor’s.
2 You think a drive from Vancouver, BC to Miami is something to do
in four days.

And the Number One reason you may be Bipolar is:

1 Last night you understood the secrets to the universe and this
morning you are contemplating whether the jam goes on top of the
peanut butter or under it.
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A doctor at an asylum decided to take his
inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he
coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up
nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After
the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all
broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go
get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The
assistant replied, “Well…everything was fine until
some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

You might be Bipolar if…

The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become “Very Clear.”
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!” even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

(Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere on the web)

Ahhhh….

It took 2.5 hours sitting in a WalMart automotive aisle, but I got a laptop to replace the one I killed. Thank you to the Rollback gods!
Thankfully, my mood is on the upswing. And when I say upswing I mean UP, Up, up and Away – swing. I wish for just one week of feeling even. Not down deep in the darkest of dark holes and not so high that I have to carry a notebook around to catch the thoughts running around jumping in and out of my head. I swear if I don’t write everything down it is nothing but a fleeting thought. Like those words they used to show on Sesame Street, when a thought bubble would pop up to spell a word for you, but it would disappear before you could spell it. Well, that is what it feels like now. I’m on my way into mania. I have the Ativan to knock myself down when it gets too fast or too loud in my brain…but for now, I’m rather enjoying not being a lump on a log and immobile on the sofa.
I wonder if anyone else feels this way – or if you would care to share what it feels like when you are morphing from depression to mania or vice versa…Care to share?

Okay, So I Left The House…

Okay. I made myself. It was like dragging a dead body across the floor to actually get myself into the car. But, once I was I felt up to the task of grocery shopping. Of course, a half hour in, I had a panic attack and felt as if every single person was piercing my brainwaves, knowing what I was thinking, knowing that I’m not worthy to even be in this store. It was awful. So, I left. I didn’t even check out the computers back in electronics – since I killed my laptop this morning. Thankfully, my son is so wrapped up in Modern Warfare 3, that he could care less if I use his to satisfy my need to vent.
I kind of like this blogging thing, I feel as if I can say anything, tell the truth and you faceless, nameless people (if anyone ever reads this) won’t judge me too harshly – not that I don’t think you’ll wonder WTF? Rather, I think it just won’t mean much to your everyday life and will soon be forgotten. It’s good for me to talk about my fears. I am afraid all the time. After the grocery store I went to see a friend who is supposed to be checking in on me while my husband is gone. I really didn’t want to go, but knew that if I didn’t she would show up here. And I DON’T want that.
I guess I should talk a little bit about how I feel today… I’m not sure how to describe it. Grey with tinges of black, maybe? I don’t want to do anything. I only want to lay down on the couch and let everything else just happen around me. But, I am able to get up and do the few things that I need to do. Yesterday, I was able to do one thing. Today I’ve been able to do 3 things…now I need to make dinner. Thankfully, he only wants quesadillas…a very easy thing to make. But, I need to finish those damn dishes first. God they were awful. I wonder how long its been since I washed, 3 days – 4 days? I don’t know.
My hubby called, he says he is cutting his trip short and I’m thrilled. I feel like I need to be in the hospital right now. I really hate how I feel and I want my meds looked at. Frankly, I want to be higher – not this low, bland, lethargic thing that I’ve become. Maybe dissing the Seroquel will help more tomorrow. I haven’t told hubby that I’m doing this because he would flip his lid!So, I’m just staying close to home, attempting to vent on this blog and wish away the dark cloud that is hanging over me. I swear it feels like I’m walking through jello. I hate this. I really do!

So Far, So Good…

Well, I did not take the Seroquel last night and actually not two nights ago either. I can already feel a tiny bit of the energy that I know will come. Of course, it is a jittery energy, frought with anxiety at the moment. Thank God for Ativan. I don’t take it often, but when I need it – it ALWAYS does the job. So, I’m down to Saphris 20mg, HRT 5mg, Vyvanse 50mg and my standby pain meds for the fibromyalgia and scoliosis. We’ll see what happens. I’ve written out a safety plan, since my husband isnt’ here to catch me if I fall. And will hope that I catch myself before the mania gets too out of control. My hope is a good week of hypomania then back on the Seroquel at a half dose until I see the Psychiatrist. Today the color is more of a gray than black and the hole doesn’t feel as deep. I might even leave the house today and wonder of all wonders, maybe do those darn dishes. Wish me luck!

Virgin Post From A Fractured Mind

I had a really hard time coming up with a name for this blog. I wanted to express the many faces of myself that I experience with my diagnosis, Bipolar 1/Rapid Cycle/Mixed Episodes. I thought of this book I read once called the Tao of Pooh (this was during my manic search for the truth about God over 20 years ago) and wondered which archetype of the characters would best represent me….then, I realized that they almost all do. I am sometimes Rabbit, Owl, Tigger, Kanga and every now and then, Eeyore. So, I decided to just name it after the forest where they all live, and it fit.

Actually, now that I really think about it – my mind feels like a forest alot of the time. It is as if I have to navigate without seeing the whole landscape. I push away large, obtrusive brush just to glimpse the next minutes or mood. Some days I just lay there, lost in the tangled bush unwilling to even try to find my way. The thick grass and thorny plants slap and sting me when I do get up and roam around the woods. I always get stung – whether by my own acting out and the lack of filter between brain and mouth when manic or when I can’t even manage to answer the phone because it requires too much effort – either way I end up embarrassed or worse, cut off from whoever it was that I offended.

I’m not gonna to take it….

I’m sitting here thinking about this dark place that I’m in, with barely enough energy to change positions on the couch or pick up the remote control to change the channel. I don’t see my Psychiatrist (and it’s a new one at that) for another week. I don’t think I’m gonna make it another week. For goodness sake, I haven’t even done the dishes in 3 days and I took my first shower in over a week two days ago. So, it’s time to take matters into my own hands – this means stopping the Seroquel. I hate that stuff anyway. It makes me dull and comatose and unlively and inactive and I just hate it. My hope is that I’ll cycle up even a little bit and once I do, then I’ll resume taking half the dose until I see the Psych and let him adjust the dosages. The mania creates a whole host of new problems, but when I find myself this deep in the darkness – it seems a welcome solution.
Yes, I realize that I’m treading in dangerous waters and with my husband gone for a few weeks, my only barometer will be my teenage son – who barely peeks up over the video game controller and only comes out of his room to pee. I’m not sure if he would even be aware that I was melting down. But, I’m gonna do it. More will be revealed in future posts.
Oh, and as a post script – I’ve been thinking about this 100 Acre Wood thing. The analogy I’ve come up with is that my mind is bound and limited just like the perimeter of the 100 Acre Wood. Everything that happens, happens within the box. Almost predictably, the mania begets grand ideas, and scribbling in journals almost non stop because my brain is bursting with thoughts and I have to get them down on paper before they are out of my grasp. And, in the darkness it is always the same. I don’t leave the house. I don’t drive. I don’t answer the phone or make calls (even when they are crucial). I don’t cook or clean. And, I don’t shower or even brush my teeth. The days, whether manic or dark, always run together and I am disoriented and disorganized. It is always the same. Bound by the parameters of my mind just like the finite wood.